Celebrate Your Freedom

"Whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me"

2012-04-19T23:56:24Z

The next time you see a man on the street asking for money, instead of turning up your nose at him and walking past, why don't you take the time to actually talk to him and find out his story?

You might find that he...

... is a vietnam vet

... was beaten by his father

... was molested by a teacher

... has a family too

... lost his job

... loves dogs

... loves Jesus too

Don't assume that he's lazy just because he is homeless. You don't know his story. Chances are that he has been beaten down so much in life, he's given up.

How hard is it to smile at someone and be kind? It is your judgments that make it hard. He does not look the way you think he should look, or act the way you think he should act, or do what you think he should do. And so you JUDGE him as a BAD PERSON instead of HELPING HIM.

Read Matthew 25:34-46 and John 8:1-7.

I rest my case.

My Story

2012-04-18T17:17:30Z

As a child, I was abused by parents and others. I was bullied by peers for having red hair and for having whatever other “weakness” they could find. I was raised in an unhealthy church that denied and minimized abuse and blamed the victim, thus perpetuating abuse against women and children.

At age 18, I rebelled against my parents and the church, moved out of the house and in with a boyfriend. I was in love, of course, and was eager to get out of my parents’ house. Little did I know the nightmare that was about to unfold. This boyfriend was a drug dealer who pushed drugs on me and lived in a mildewed basement apartment. He could not manage his money, he could not keep a job, and he smoked up most of his supply of drugs. He would take my waitressing tips to pay off his dealer.

I spent most of my days in that tiny basement apartment, chain smoking cigarettes. There were many people in and out of the apartment to purchase and use drugs. Pot was being smoked all day long. It wasn’t long before I began having asthma attacks, but I continued to smoke cigarettes and pot anyway. I used other, harder drugs as well. My boyfriend would do any drug that he could get his hands on, and expected me to do the same.

Soon I was having problems focusing at my job. My short-term memory and attention span were terrible. I was having strange thoughts that seemed to overtake me. When at home, I spent a lot of time staring out into space, lost in my thoughts. I did this whether I was high or not. My boyfriend noticed my “strange” behavior and began to make fun of me in front of his friends. It wasn’t long before his friends joined in.

My boyfriend noticed every little absent-minded thing that I did, like losing a lighter. That was a big deal – losing a lighter. Once I was sorting mail and accidentally threw his paycheck in the trash. Later when he couldn’t find it, I realized what I had done and pulled it out of the trash. Of course, his friends were there at the time and he made a really big deal of it in front of them.

It got to where he was screaming at me every day about how “stupid” I was and how I was “F---ing us up.” He told me repeatedly that I was “crazy, schizo, and needed Prozac.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was developing health problems. I got to the point where I could hardly eat. The boyfriend didn’t have the patience to grocery shop, so every day while he was out making his “rounds”, he would pick me up a hamburger, fries and soda at a fast food joint. That was all I ate for months – was one fast food meal per day. I began to hate hamburgers. I tried to eat them anyway. I would have to choke them down with my soda. It became that way with all food – that I couldn’t eat it without forcing it down with a drink. I developed this odd belief that I couldn’t swallow.

I became very thin, to the point where my ribs were showing. My skin was not a good color, and my hair was falling out. I developed chronic bronchitis and sinus infections. I went to the doctor a lot back then. And the wonderful boyfriend would yell at me and call me a hypochondriac – he would say that I wasn’t really sick, I was making it up in my head.

At that point I spent a lot of time in bed. I ended up quitting my job because I wasn’t even healthy enough to work. I was sick and depressed. I never contemplated suicide but I do remember wishing I would die.

One night, a friend of the boyfriend’s gave me some crank. After I did it, the person who gave it to me told me that it had been cut with heroin. I was scared because I knew you weren’t supposed to do an upper with a downer. Later, I was awake, alone. The boyfriend was asleep. I began feeling numbness in my legs and my heart was beating fast. I thought that I was dying from the crank. But the thing was, that didn’t scare me. I wanted to die. I was ready to die. So I wrote a goodbye letter to the boyfriend, my friends and family, and went to bed, hoping that I would never wake up.

Well, guess what, I woke up the next morning and I’m glad I did! God had bigger plans for me!

After one year, I finally dumped the boyfriend. I stopped using drugs immediately. I didn’t like using them anyway, and I knew that the drugs had caused my physical and mental health problems. I began working again, and went to college and got a degree. But even these things were a struggle, because I had moved on to another abusive relationship.

I married at age 21. Two weeks after the marriage, my husband began sexually abusing me. He was a very large man who was very rough and would hurt me on purpose. Sex became something that I avoided and loathed. Shortly after our marriage, I became pregnant. I gave birth to the baby just one month after I finished my college courses. At that time, I was separated from my husband because of the abuse. He went around telling everyone that I had been cheating and the baby wasn’t his.

My divorce was final when my son was two years old. At that time, I had a job making $10/hr and could barely support myself with all the expenses, mainly childcare. My ex refused to pay child support and threatened to kill me when the judge ordered him to pay $480/month. I had a restraining order put on him. After a few months, a new judge dropped the order because my ex was a cop and needed to carry a gun for his job.

My twenties are pretty fuzzy for me. I remember being under a lot of stress and being afraid to discipline my son because I thought Child Protective Services would take him from me. I had a bad relationship with my mother. I had a few boyfriends who turned out to be no good so I dumped them. At age 25, I was drinking on a daily basis to deal with all the stress.

At the place where I worked, I endured sexual harassment and discrimination. That was the breaking point for me. I was devastated. I really loved that job and couldn’t believe the way they had treated me, after all the hard work I did and all the money I saved them. After that, I decided I didn’t want to work anymore. I was tired of people being mean to me. All I wanted to do was be able to work and get a paycheck and not have to deal with a bunch of crap, but that just wasn’t the way things were.

At that point, my ex began looking very attractive to me. He promised me that if we got back together, he would support me and I wouldn’t have to work. So I moved back in with him and we left the area. I was happy to leave this place and all the pain of the past. I was starting over.

I should have been happy but I wasn’t. We had no relationship and slept in separate rooms. We thought of each other as roommates. My depression and anxiety took a turn for the worst. I became so afraid of people because of the way I had been treated, that I developed agoraphobia and was afraid to leave the house. Months went by that I did not leave at all. My ex would do all the grocery shopping and errands. I was afraid even to go to the store because I was worried about what the store clerk might think of me.

I spent virtually all my time in front of the computer. That was my escape. I had a data entry job that I did from home, and that was my excuse for always being on the computer. But, I wasn’t always working. Sometimes I was researching stuff, sometimes chatting, sometimes writing stuff on LiveJournal. At any rate, what I was doing wasn’t productive, and I was neglecting my son. I never neglected his physical needs but I did neglect his emotional needs and I feel bad about that.

But things do get better! He is now 12 years old and he and I are very close and we have a lot of fun together. I’ve apologized for what I’ve done in the past and he said, “Mom, don’t worry about it.”

I left my ex for the final time in 2006. I was so distraught that day, that I was having constant panic attacks and could not even pack my things. My mother packed my things for me. And finally, after all these years of pain and suffering, I humbled myself and gave my life to Jesus. I made the decision to obey Him. Immediately I made some changes. I quit smoking and I threw away clothes that were too revealing. I started attending church and getting support.

Things did not improve right away – I was still very anxious and experienced some setbacks in my career. My biggest problem at the time was low self esteem. I believed the lies that abusers had told me about myself over the years.

So, I decided I would challenge these lies. So I made a list of everything that I was good at. It went something like this:

Cooking
Cleaning
Organizing
Accounting
Data Entry
Customer Service
Driving

I kept reviewing the list and telling myself I was good at these things. My ex-husband and ex-boyfriend had both convinced me that I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. But, they were wrong.

I am now 35 years old and I have a good job with great benefits. In addition, it is in a Christian environment where I am loved and respected. I no longer fear that every day I go into work I will have to deal with someone behaving abusively towards me – because that doesn’t happen here. And this is all because I turned my life and will over to Jesus Christ. I also found a church where I feel safe, that does not perpetuate abuse or blame the victim.

My life has not been perfect and I still have struggles. But I know that I am a new person in Christ.

Just six years ago, I was agoraphobic and hardly spoke at all. Now I speak to people every day at work. I can go to Wal-mart without becoming stressed out about the crowd. I am less self-conscious, and I am able to speak in front of groups. I may give a sermon soon. I find I am confronting people when needed and not feeling afraid. I don’t even know this person I am becoming, but I like her! I think that this is the “me” that always was, but was buried deep inside my fears of what people might think.

Now I get up every morning, look in the mirror, and I like what I see. I like who I am – who I am in Christ. I am working through my past issues with my life coach. I know now that the things abusers said about me were untrue and just a manipulative tactic so they could gain control over me. And they no longer have that control over me.

Finally, after all these years – I AM FREE.

What are you doing to help others?

2012-04-18T13:05:10Z

Free exposure for your ministry on my blog! Leave a comment with a one-sentence description of your ministry and website.

Let's help each other help others!

New Ministry - Count It All Joy

2012-04-17T17:48:01Z

A friend and I have launched a new ministry to reach out to battered women. The first phase of the ministry is creating care packages for our local battered women's shelters, but we have big goals for this ministry, like opening new shelters in areas where there are none, creating a teen crisis center and a free daycare for single working mothers. These are just a few of our goals.

Our primary goals are to help abused women and lead them to Jesus.

We have created a Facebook page to promote our ministry: Count It All Joy
Please "Like" us to show your support!

Celebrate Recovery

2012-04-17T16:36:48Z

I've been attending a support-group called Celebrate Recovery since last fall. It is a Christ-Centered 12-step group for anyone with any type of problem. People who have addictions attend as well as abuse survivors and those struggling with codependency attend this group.

I love it because I've made some genuine friends there who I feel are true Christians. There are other women, who, like myself, are still recovering from abusive relationships. What is so cool about it is that everyone can GET REAL and take off their masks and show one another WHO THEY REALLY ARE. When a person walks into the group, the pretense drops. There is no "Oh I have to behave in such a way so that people won't talk about me or think bad about me," or "I can't tell them about this problem because of what they might think."

If you are in need of a support group, check out the website and look for a Celebrate Recovery group near you. If there isn't one, start one!

Celebrate Recovery Website

Margaret's Story

2011-11-16T13:28:09Z

Here is an excerpt from "Messy Spirituality" by Mike Yaconelli. My pastor included it in a recent sermon, and it had me bawling my eyes out:

Margaret is one of those hurting ones.

One day, as 9 year old Margaret came in late for recess, her teacher, Mrs. Cooper, lost all her patience with her.

“Margaret, she said, “You never listen. So today, I’m going to teach you a lesson you will never forget.”

And so, Mrs. Cooper ordered Margaret to the front of the classroom and then she asked all 25 of her classmates to come up front and write something they did not like about Margaret on the chalk board.

And so, the kids began to write… each word… wounding Margaret’s soul.

“Margaret is selfish. Margaret is stupid. Margaret is ugly. Margaret is fat.”

Each word - piercing her heart like a spear, each word - like a punch to the stomach.

Forty years later, as Margaret reflected on that experience, she realized that she had lived up to that list on the board. Those painful words went in so deep that she embraced them as an identity, and it ruined her life.

40 years later, Margaret is in her counselor’s office. It has taken 2 years of intensive work with this counselor for Margaret to begin to write a new story. The counselor asks her to recount her experience one last time. She does, remembering every detail as if it were yesterday.

But now, the counselor says, ”There is one more person in the room that you forgot.”

A man in the back of the room walks up to the board and erases everything else on the board and begins to write:

‘Margaret is loved. Margaret is beautiful. Margaret is precious. Margaret has so much to give. Margaret is mine.’

That man is Jesus.

He embraces Martha and tells her that he will never leave her or forsake her. Tears of joy pour down Martha’s face as she embraces her new life with her Savior.

My Response to Single Dad Laughing

2010-11-18T18:14:00Z

I ran across this article about a month ago on a blog called “Single Dad Laughing”. It’s called “The Disease Called ‘Perfection’”.

Perfection infects society on all levels. Just about every group has their own ideas about what is acceptable and what isn’t. Unfortunately, this is prevalent in a lot of Christian communities as well.

I grew up in a non-denominational charismatic church. I went to a Christian school that was affiliated with that church as well. This particular community was afflicted with “Perfection”. Here are some examples:

There was a girl a few grades ahead of me who became pregnant while still in high school and had an abortion. No one knew about it until a few years later when her boyfriend finally told his parents. The reason I know about this is because his parents were upset after hearing the news and shared about it at a prayer meeting. The people at the prayer meeting then spread the news all over the church. Now everyone looks down on this girl for having an abortion. But the reason she had it was because she was afraid of what people would think of her for getting pregnant.

Another girl became pregnant after graduation but told no one, and hid the pregnancy well because no one knew she was pregnant until she was seven months along and went into premature labor. I felt bad for her that she had no one to talk to and had to go through the pregnancy alone, because a pregnancy is a hard thing for a woman to go through. Also, because she was hiding her pregnancy, she didn’t go to a doctor and receive prenatal care. Perhaps if she had, her baby would have not been born prematurely.

Many other girls who I went to school with got pregnant out of wedlock. I was actually one of the few who didn’t. But, I did do other things when I was younger that I shouldn’t have. In that church, there is a certain stigma attached to people who aren’t perfect. People openly share private information about others at prayer meetings. It’s gossip in the form of “prayer requests”. And then people go tell their friends and family everything that was shared at the prayer meeting. That’s how the gossip spreads. And everyone thinks it’s okay because they’re praying for the people they’re talking about.

Some teenage girls who became pregnant out of wedlock felt compelled to stand in front of the entire church and confess their sin. They were extremely emotional, crying and apologizing to the congregation. I was always uncomfortable with this because I wondered why they were doing it. Did they really choose to stand in front of several hundred people and humiliate themselves, or did someone make them do it?

Others hide their sins from the church, because they’ve witnessed the gossip and the way members treat those who have committed, in their opinion, “major sins”. They don’t want to experience rejection. So it’s easier to lie about it and be left alone.

So they go to prayer meetings, and pray for other people, and share the problems of OTHERS, and confess the sins of OTHERS, but not THEIR OWN! And they do this because they’re in pain. But instead of facing their demons, they cover up their pain by judging others.

And I do this too.

Because it’s easier to talk about someone else’s problems than my own. And it makes me feel better about myself if I criticize someone else. “I’m better than them because I don’t do what they do.” I was married when I had my baby, so that makes me better than my classmates who had babies out of wedlock. I didn’t have an abortion like that girl in high school, so I’m better than her.

But I’ve done bad stuff too. And I’ve experienced the same kind of stigma and humiliation that these young mothers experienced. So I should be the last one to judge them. And yet, I do. But it has to stop.

Single Dad Laughing says that the cure to perfection is to be real. He says, “Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you.”

That’s a great idea, but before we do that we have to make sure we are in a safe environment. If we find ourselves in an emotionally unsafe environment like the above-mentioned church, openly sharing our problems can set us up for the kind of bullying experienced by those unwed mothers.

I would say find a safe environment where you can be real. Because really, what is the point of hanging around people you don’t trust and acting like something you’re not? To get approval? True friends will accept you no matter what you’re suffering through or what you’ve done in the past. So find people who accept you, people who you can be real with.

And each of us should work on CREATING a safe environment so others can be real with us. I really like Ghandi’s quote “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I believe if we want to change the world, we must start with ourselves.

Instead of passing judgment on others when they make mistakes, we need to show forgiveness and compassion. And we also need to look at the sins in our own lives and repent of those as well, instead of throwing stones at others.

John 8:1-7: “Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd. ‘Teacher,’ they said to Jesus, ‘this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?’

“They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”

Building trust is key to creating a safe environment. If someone shares something personal with you, keep it confidential. Watch how much information you give out when requesting prayer for someone. In small group settings, it needs to be a policy that whatever is said does not leave the group. If people think that they’re going to be judged, they won’t share their struggles. But if they feel safe, then they can be real.

How to Land a Player

2010-04-03T19:29:00Z

I read the book "The Rules" a few years ago, and while I agree with the basic premise of not appearing too eager, this book takes it a little too far. I don't think you should avoid a guy's phone calls and never call him. That's kind of rude. Plus, it will give him the idea you aren't interested. Which is the very thing that you want to do, according to the book because it will make him pursue you more. Maybe - IF he's a player. A nice guy will take the hint that you aren't interested and leave you alone, whereas a player will pursue you relentlessly. The author says it's because a man likes the chase, but that's not the entire story. The truth is, players are used to getting any woman they want, and when a woman spurns them, it hurts their pride. They are so determined to prove that they can get any woman they want, that they become obsessed with the woman who has scorned them. They don't give up until they marry her. That is the ultimate conquest for them. But that gets boring and they go back to their old womanizing ways.

This is exactly what happened with Tiger Woods and Elin. He wanted to go out with her, and she turned him down. And so he pursued her until she gave in and went out with him. Then they got married. Then he cheated - not once, not twice, but God knows how many times with how many women. Elin obeyed "The Rules" and landed a player. Way to go!

I'm not putting Elin down, I'm just saying that she did all the right things with the wrong guy. The only good things she's going to get out of this are beautiful children and lots of money. Not a husband who loves her and respects her.

The truth is, when you find the right person, you don't have to play games to get him to commit. You don't have to "make" him love you. He will be so in love with you he won't be able to wait to marry you! And you'll feel the same way about him. If you hold back your feelings, he might think there is not a connection and move on.

My advice is: just be honest. If you want to go out with someone, then go out with him, and don't play games with him. (Just try not to chase him too much and act obsessive. That will scare him.) If you don't want to go out with someone, then don't go out with him. If he continues to pursue you when you've already told him no, that is a bad sign. It means he's a player and he's not respecting your boundaries, and there's probably not a good future with him. Even if he is Tiger Woods.

God Can Make You Strong

2009-11-01T17:29:00Z

There is a lady I work with who is a devout Christian. We started talking one night, and she told me all about her abusive alcoholic husband. They are currently separated. She says she likes being single and not having to answer to a man.

What struck me about this woman is that she is so strong. She is not shy or timid, as I would expect an abuse survivor to be. She is very outspoken and assertive. I told her that I thought she was strong, and she attributed that to her faith.

I realized that it is God who makes us strong. Even if abuse weakens us, God can give us the strength to survive it and thrive.

Here is a passage I found on the topic:

Paul was talking about the thorn in his flesh. "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, my grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

One Blogger's View of Chris Brown

2009-09-09T18:10:00Z

On Emotional Abuse and Your Faith, one of my favorite bloggers, Hannah, wrote about Chris Brown's reaction to his violence towards Rihanna. Hannah tells us all about denial on the abuser's part, and the part of his family, and other peers. She goes into the mind of the abuser and shows just exactly how he thinks and what he is trying to accomplish. She outlines the typical events after an abusive episode and explains how the abuser shifts the blame to the victim so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. Hannah clearly understands the mindset of abusers and the cycle of abuse.

Book Review - Battered to Blessed

2009-09-04T22:11:00Z

I just finished reading Battered to Blessed: My Personal Journey. In this book, Mrs. Walsh recounts her short marriage to a very violent abuser, taking the reader on a journey with her as she recovers from the abuse, succeeds in her career, dates, and finally remarries.

I found the book encouraging because she had such a wonderful life after she left her abuser. I was also discouraged because she had something which I didn't - a loving, supportive family. I think it is because of the support she received, and also her faith, that she was able to recover so easily from the trauma. She did show symptoms of PTSD, but not nearly to the extent that I have. She never had a problem with social anxieties, was always confident and outgoing, which in turn made her successful. I was impressed when I watched her stand up for what she wanted, but I couldn't help feel a little inadequate when I realized my own deficiencies in that area.

In the end, it is just a story of one person's life, as she experienced it. Everyone is different and has had different experiences.

So, how do you heal when you don't have a loving supportive family like Mrs. Walsh? You build a support network. Support groups are a good start. Also, surround yourself with friends who are patient and caring. Nix anyone who puts you down. That's the last thing you need right now, or ever.

Chris Brown Gets Straight Probation, No Jail Time

2009-08-26T22:40:00Z

Remember when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna in February? Well, he finally received his sentencing and he was sentenced to five years' probation and community service - that's it. He will serve no jail time for beating the heck out of his girlfriend.

I watched Nancy Grace last night and she is furious. She said that this is Brown's third incidence of violence against Rihanna, and that giving him probation only sends the wrong message to domestic abusers. Sure it does, it tells them they can beat up women and get away with it.

Is it just me or does it seem like the legal system doesn't take domestic violence as seriously as other types of violence? If Chris Brown were to assault a random stranger in the same fashion as he did Rihanna, I wonder, would he have done jail time then?

I know someone who poured a bucket of water on another person's head and went to jail for that. But we have a celebrity who beats up his girlfriend and he does not get one day in jail. Is it because he's a celebrity? Is it because Rihanna's going soft on him? They said on Nancy Grace that Rihanna agreed to the probation sentence. Or is it because domestic violence just isn't taken that seriously in our country? I wonder if in the back of the judges' minds is the thought that "she provoked the attack", or asked for it in some way. Or, "Oh, it's just a domestic issue."

Domestic issues are serious issues. Domestic violence is a serious issue and needs to be taken seriously in the courts. It's not going to stop if we don't make these guys pay for the wounds they've inflicted on their victims.

August 22, 2009 Abuse Prevention Emphasis Day

2009-08-20T20:11:00Z

This year the Seventh-Day Adventist church has chosen this sabbath, August 22nd, as the church-wide abuse prevention day. The Adventist church chooses the fourth sabbath of each August to promote awareness of abuse against women. The Women's Ministries department of the General Conference has prepared literature and sermons to be shared on this day to educate Adventists about domestic abuse.

What I really like about the Adventist church is that it does not brush the issue of abuse under the rug or blame the victim for the actions of the abuser. The church as a whole, holds the man responsible for how he treats his wife and expects him to love his wife as Christ loved the church, as commanded in the Bible.

If you are in an abusive relationship and your church is not supporting you, consider visiting an Adventist church this Saturday. Every Adventist church has a Women's Ministries organization which helps abused women just like you.

For more information on Abuse Prevention Day visit the Women's Ministries website.

You Don't Have to Get Married!

2009-08-15T22:30:00Z

I'm reading a book right now by a Christian lady who left an abusive marriage. I'm only a few chapters in to the book, so I'm not going to give the name of it out just yet. When I finish it, I'll write a review.

The lady describes a situation where she was unknowingly coerced into having sex while on Quaaludes. The situation she describes sounds to me like date rape. The man told her the next day that she "wanted it". She believed him, having not remembered what happened and not wanting to think of him as a liar because he was a police officer. This young lady was a Christian who wanted to save herself for marriage. After she lost her virginity, she felt intense guilt, shame and disgust. She held erroneous beliefs that God now considered her married to the man who took her virginity and that no one else would want her anyway since she wasn't a virgin. She chose to marry him and he turned out to be an abuser.

The whole idea of God considering people married once they have sex comes from the Old Testament. When a man had sex with a woman, it was understood that he was taking her as his wife. We live in a different culture now, where we have an actual marriage ceremony and license to create a marriage between two people. The sex act is no longer a ritual used to define marriage. If you have sex with someone, you are not married to that person. Some people also us this erroneous thinking to justify remaining in a sexual but unwed relationship.

The situation described in the book brings to mind an experience from years ago. I attended a fundraiser dinner for the local Pregnancy Help Center, which was founded by my parents' church. The main goal of the Pregnancy Help Center was to discourage unwed mothers from having abortions. The organization offered counseling and support, as well as free baby clothing and other items. At the dinner, a few young ladies stood up and spoke about how much the organization had helped them. One girl in particular stood out in my mind. She stated happily that the center had urged her to marry her baby's father. She followed their advice and claimed now to be happily married to the man. The funny thing was, I saw the same girl a week later in a public place sporting a black eye. She looked extremely depressed and was with her husband at the time. I do not know for a fact that it was he who gave her the black eye, but I have a pretty good feeling that it was. Usually my hunches are right on. I was incensed at the fact that this organization, which is set up to "help" women, actually encouraged this young lady to marry an abusive man. Maybe they didn't know he was abusive. Still, I don't think it's their place to tell women what to do with their relationships. I am sure they thought that they were saving her from hellfire and brimstone since she was sexually active outside of marriage, but really, is getting the crap beat out of you any better? They should have at least done their homework and properly assessed the situation, looking for signs of abuse before giving her any advice.

There have also been times when young girls have been forced to marry a boy they had sex with by their own parents, especially when they are pregnant.

THIS IS WRONG.

To all you young Christian girls out there who made a mistake, you do not have to marry a guy just because you had sex or got pregnant. Especially if there are red flags, I urge you to not get married. Read my "Dating" articles for examples of red flags in relationships. If you see red flags, end the relationship now, no matter how much in love you think you are or even if you are pregnant. You do not have to marry your baby's father. Yes, being a single parent is hard, but being in an abusive marriage is worse. Take it from someone who has been there.

Also, breaking up with a boyfriend is a lot easier to do than getting a divorce, especially when children are involved. Most people will stay in an abusive relationship or return to one when they have children. Having kids makes many women want to keep an intact family unit.

A divorce can be a lengthy process as well. In my state, a couple with children must be separated for at least one year before filing for divorce when they have children together. Divorces can cost anywhere from $400 to thousands of dollars in legal fees. If you get into a nasty custody battle, be prepared to pay a lot of money. Most people don't go into court without a lawyer and I wouldn't advise it.

The separation pending the divorce is a dangerous time for a woman. This is the time when abusive men escalate; stalking, threatening, and even causing physical harm to their victims. It is during separation that most battered women are murdered by their abusive spouses.

In a nutshell, a boyfriend will go away a lot easier than a husband. He may give you a little trouble at first when you try to break up with him, but if you follow my tips in my "Breaking Up" articles, you should be fine.

If you have made a mistake by having premarital sex, the only thing you have to do to rectify your sin and ease your guilt is confess the sin to the Lord and repent of it. You are not obligated to marry the guy, and don't let anybody coerce you into it, whether it be the boyfriend, a friend, a parent, or even a pastor. There may be consequences you might have to deal with such as pregnancy and STDs. These can be unpleasant things, but God will help you deal with them. It is not the end of the world. It may seem like it at the time, but trust me, life goes on and so will you. Trust in God to direct your life and he will lead to you a good Christian man who will treat you like a queen. You may have to wait a few years to find the right man, but that's okay. Focus on going to college and raising your child. Just please don't marry the wrong guy - it will be a decision you'll regret for the rest of your life.

Abuse Recovery Exercise

2009-06-28T22:38:00Z

I was looking through old papers today and found a journal entry from January of this year. It was a list I had made to help me feel better about myself and where I was at in life. I looked at it and realized it's a good exercise for anyone who has left an abuser.

How my life has improved since I left my ex:

Freedom from abuse
Depression lifted
Able to do things my way
Not having to listen to constant complaining
Not having to deal with a total slob
Bills are being paid
No worries about eviction or utilites getting cut off
Better relationship with my son
Internet addiction is gone
Wonderful relationship with new husband
Freedom to be a Christian
No more put-downs
No more arguing

Reading over that list really helps remind me how much better I have it now. If you are feeling down in the dumps, make a similar list; it helps!

What I Learned in DBT Last Week

2009-06-24T18:48:00Z

Last week I had my first group therapy session for DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I learned some things that I thought were worth sharing with my readers.

There was a lady in the class who was relating a recent experience with her husband, in which she confronted him about an insult he had made earlier. She never used the word "abusive" to describe him, but after listening to her for a few minutes, it became apparent that her husband was indeed abusive, at least verbally.

So I asked the therapist if DBT works when dealing with abusers, because it always seemed like it didn't matter what I did when dealing with an abuser, I just couldn't get any respect.

He replied that you can't change someone else's behavior and handed out a printout of behavior types. There are four different types: direct agression, indirect agression, passivity, and assertiveness. He said that abusers tend to fall into one of the first two categories, whereas we, when dealing with an abuser, become passive, and the goal is to become assertive.

He then said there are three choices one can make for one's relationships:

1) Keep going on the way it has been
2) Two people can agree to work on the relationship, and this takes committment from BOTH.
3) Get out.

The therapist said that in an abusive relationship, you really only have 2 choices (because the abuser will not work on the relationship): Keep going on the way it has been and stay miserable or get out. Then he said really there is only one choice: to get out. Then he told the lady who had been sharing about her husband to get out.

So there you have it. There's nothing you can do to make an abusive relationship better. It really doesn't matter what you do because the abuser's behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how he perceives the world and chooses to behave. All the therapy in the world will not work if both parties are not working on the relationship. So, the only choice you have is to get out.

Rihanna To Testify Against Chris Brown

2009-06-11T22:46:00Z

According to People magazine, Rihanna has been subpoenaed to testify against Chris Brown at his June 22nd assault hearing.

For the full story click here.

President Obama Approves Funding for Domestic Abuse Programs

2009-06-11T15:45:00Z

While many presidents of the past have cut funding to domestic abuse programs, President Obama has not. The funding for domestic violence programs such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline will remain the same in 2010 as it is for 2009.

More information...

Read about what Obama did in the past to help fight domestic violence and sexual abuse.

The Fresh Air Fund Needs Host Families

2009-06-09T18:55:00Z

The Fresh Air Fund is an organization which matches inner city children to families living outside of the city for one to two weeks each summer. The children come from low income areas in New York City. It's a great experience for the children to get a break from inner city life and get a breath of "fresh air".

I know a lady who hosted a child from the Fresh Air Fund and I think it was a positive experience for the kid and my friend's family. From what I remember, the child was very well-behaved.

If you can't be a host this summer, consider making a donation. For the month of June, all donations made will be matched dollar for dollar by other generous donors.

For more information on the Fresh Air Fund, visit this page.

Update 08.15.09: The Fresh Air Fund still needs host families for August. It's not to late to help a Fresh Air Kid!

Increase in Numbers at Domestic Violence Shelters Due to Bad Economy

2009-05-27T13:46:00Z

Mary Kay recently conducted the survey "Mary Kay's Truth About Abuse", and found that the number of women requesting assistance from domestic violence shelters has risen since September when the economy went on a downturn.

Mary Kay interviewed 600 shelters nationwide and found that 3 out of 4 reported this increase. Shelter representatives attribute the increase in abuse to financial issues, stress, and job loss.

The region which had the largest increase was the South, at 78 percent. The Midwest reported a 74 percent increase, the Northeast a 72 percent increase, and the West with the lowest increase at 71 percent.

Overall, the increase across the nation is high. This study suggests that there is a link between domestic violence and the economy.

To learn more about the survey, read the article at Mary Kay's website.

My thoughts:

I'm not going to blame abuse on the economy. I still think there are deeper reasons that men abuse women, having to do with childhood issues and anger problems. Financial problems definitely cause more stress, however, and may cause men to lash out more. I also think in today's economy, women have less options when it comes to leaving, so they're more likely to end up at a shelter. I do wonder how much abuse has actually increased. Maybe more women are getting help now.

The good part is that Mary Kay started the "Beauty that Counts" initiative, a program to fight cancer and domestic abuse. The company will donate one dollar of each sale of certain lipsticks to the program until December 15, 2009. The Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation has donated close to $18 million to shelters and domestic violence prevention programs in the U.S. since it started in 1996.

I'm glad to see that Mary Kay has stepped in to help with the problem of domestic violence. This is just one more group we have on our side!

Thank you Mary Kay!