Celebrate Your Freedom

My Ex is a Douchebag

2009-12-20T02:54:00Z

I spent nearly ten years of my life with my ex-husband. And he made me absolutely miserable. He had the power to crush me with just his words. Sex was hell with him, because he enjoyed hurting me during the act. He destroyed my self-esteem, and made me insane. When I left him the final time in 2006, I had a mental breakdown. I was so messed up that I couldn't even pack my clothes to leave; my mother packed them for me.

It's been over three years now since I left him. I still have problems with anxiety and shyness, and I think part of my issues stem from my bipolar disorder, but I have noticed that I'm getting better. I'm becoming more confident and friendly. I laugh now. And I'm in love with my new husband.

I was driving the other day and I had an epiphany - I thought to myself, "My ex is a douchebag". For a long time I mulled over the mean things he said to me and the bad things that he did - the rape, the adultery, etc., and felt anger towards him and pity for myself. I really don't think about what he did anymore. I know what he did, but I don't obsess over the details. I've come as close to forgiveness as I can. I'm not mad at him anymore, but I don't think what he did was okay. I really think I'm over it now, because now I see that he is just a douchebag. I mean stupid. He said stupid things all the time, like Elvis died on stage. And then he'd argue about it and insult me for not agreeing with him. I got to the point where I just agreed with whatever he said just to shut him up, but inside I would question everything he said because he was a compulsive liar. I coped by spending hours on the computer playing so I could avoid him. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I realized that's the only way I kept my sanity for so long living with a douchebag - a douchebag that was also mean.

I mean really, how stupid is that - to treat me bad and make me angry and depressed, when all he had to do was be nice to me and I would've loved him endlessly? Like my husband treats me now - he treats me like gold, I love him to no end, and I'm good to him. It's not that hard. My ex had this stupid idea that if he were to be nice to me, I would walk all over him. I'm not like that. Too bad for him that he could never see it.

By realizing my ex is a douchebag, I've taken away his power. He can't hurt me anymore, because he's just a douchebag. None of the mean things he said matter anymore because he's a douchebag.

If you need a visual - he is over 300 lbs, wears big glasses, doesn't brush his teeth, smokes cigarettes, and doesn't shower often. On top of that, he has poor social skills. For instance, he can't pick up on social cues. He can't tell when people are uncomfortable and want the conversation to end. He will keep on talking, often saying offensive or embarrassing things. And then he giggles at his own jokes. He hits on waitresses. He is currently unemployed. He complains about every job he has and ends up quitting. He cusses like a sailor and talks about inappropriate things to our son. He takes our son to Hooters. He says that he will hire a hooker for our son when our son turns 18, "to teach him how to please a woman."

Yes, this guy is a real douchebag. And I worried about what he thought of me?

Fresh Air Fund Update

2009-12-06T21:31:00Z

The Fresh Air Fund has been a success this year!

This past summer, the Fresh Air Fund partnered with OneSight, giving vision screenings to over 3,000 children. Onesight provides free eye exams and eyewear to children who need them.

To learn more about this partnership go to Fresh Air Vision.

God Can Make You Strong

2009-11-01T17:29:00Z

There is a lady I work with who is a devout Christian. We started talking one night, and she told me all about her abusive alcoholic husband. They are currently separated. She says she likes being single and not having to answer to a man.

What struck me about this woman is that she is so strong. She is not shy or timid, as I would expect an abuse survivor to be. She is very outspoken and assertive. I told her that I thought she was strong, and she attributed that to her faith.

I realized that it is God who makes us strong. Even if abuse weakens us, God can give us the strength to survive it and thrive.

Here is a passage I found on the topic:

Paul was talking about the thorn in his flesh. "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, my grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

One Blogger's View of Chris Brown

2009-09-09T18:10:00Z

On Emotional Abuse and Your Faith, one of my favorite bloggers, Hannah, wrote about Chris Brown's reaction to his violence towards Rihanna. Hannah tells us all about denial on the abuser's part, and the part of his family, and other peers. She goes into the mind of the abuser and shows just exactly how he thinks and what he is trying to accomplish. She outlines the typical events after an abusive episode and explains how the abuser shifts the blame to the victim so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. Hannah clearly understands the mindset of abusers and the cycle of abuse.

Book Review - Battered to Blessed

2009-09-04T22:11:00Z

I just finished reading Battered to Blessed: My Personal Journey . In this book, Mrs. Walsh recounts her short marriage to a very violent abuser, taking the reader on a journey with her as she recovers from the abuse, succeeds in her career, dates, and finally remarries.

I found the book encouraging because she had such a wonderful life after she left her abuser. I was also discouraged because she had something which I didn't - a loving, supportive family. I think it is because of the support she received, and also her faith, that she was able to recover so easily from the trauma. She did show symptoms of PTSD, but not nearly to the extent that I have. She never had a problem with social anxieties, was always confident and outgoing, which in turn made her successful. I was impressed when I watched her stand up for what she wanted, but I couldn't help feel a little inadequate when I realized my own deficiencies in that area.

In the end, it is just a story of one person's life, as she experienced it. Everyone is different and has had different experiences.

So, how do you heal when you don't have a loving supportive family like Mrs. Walsh? You build a support network. Support groups are a good start. Also, surround yourself with friends who are patient and caring. Nix anyone who puts you down. That's the last thing you need right now, or ever.

Chris Brown Gets Straight Probation, No Jail Time

2009-08-26T22:40:00Z

Remember when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna in February? Well, he finally received his sentencing and he was sentenced to five years' probation and community service - that's it. He will serve no jail time for beating the heck out of his girlfriend.

I watched Nancy Grace last night and she is furious. She said that this is Brown's third incidence of violence against Rihanna, and that giving him probation only sends the wrong message to domestic abusers. Sure it does, it tells them they can beat up women and get away with it.

Is it just me or does it seem like the legal system doesn't take domestic violence as seriously as other types of violence? If Chris Brown were to assault a random stranger in the same fashion as he did Rihanna, I wonder, would he have done jail time then?

I know someone who poured a bucket of water on another person's head and went to jail for that. But we have a celebrity who beats up his girlfriend and he does not get one day in jail. Is it because he's a celebrity? Is it because Rihanna's going soft on him? They said on Nancy Grace that Rihanna agreed to the probation sentence. Or is it because domestic violence just isn't taken that seriously in our country? I wonder if in the back of the judges' minds is the thought that "she provoked the attack", or asked for it in some way. Or, "Oh, it's just a domestic issue."

Domestic issues are serious issues. Domestic violence is a serious issue and needs to be taken seriously in the courts. It's not going to stop if we don't make these guys pay for the wounds they've inflicted on their victims.

Think Long and Hard Before You Get Married

2009-08-22T01:19:00Z

I have made yet another mistake that you, the reader, will hopefully learn from.

I rushed into marriage. I married this wonderful man after knowing him only five months. He is not abusive and has not committed adultery. But he has a serious hoarding problem. Like the kind you see on T.V.

The warning signs were there. I saw the junk on his properties and in his store. Yet I chose to ignore the signs because I was in love.

My son and I are now living at my parents' house, once again, because we cannot live in my husband's house. It is gutted and we cannot put walls up because there is too much junk in the way to get to the walls. The kitchen is filthy, there is no water, and there are rats. I lived there for about a week and a half. I was angry every single day. He refused to throw anything away or let me throw anything away. I felt like I couldn't do anything to make the house a better place to live.

He is a nice guy and I do love him, but I cannot live in his house and I cannot put up with the hoarding compulsion.

So here's my advice: if you're dating someone and he does something that seems odd to you, ask yourself if you can put up with it. If you don't think you can, don't marry him, no matter how nice he is to you.

August 22, 2009 Abuse Prevention Emphasis Day

2009-08-20T20:11:00Z

This year the Seventh-Day Adventist church has chosen this sabbath, August 22nd, as the church-wide abuse prevention day. The Adventist church chooses the fourth sabbath of each August to promote awareness of abuse against women. The Women's Ministries department of the General Conference has prepared literature and sermons to be shared on this day to educate Adventists about domestic abuse.

What I really like about the Adventist church is that it does not brush the issue of abuse under the rug or blame the victim for the actions of the abuser. The church as a whole, holds the man responsible for how he treats his wife and expects him to love his wife as Christ loved the church, as commanded in the Bible.

If you are in an abusive relationship and your church is not supporting you, consider visiting an Adventist church this Saturday. Every Adventist church has a Women's Ministries organization which helps abused women just like you.

For more information on Abuse Prevention Day visit the Women's Ministries website.

You Don't Have to Get Married!

2009-08-15T22:30:00Z

I'm reading a book right now by a Christian lady who left an abusive marriage. I'm only a few chapters in to the book, so I'm not going to give the name of it out just yet. When I finish it, I'll write a review.

The lady describes a situation where she was unknowingly coerced into having sex while on Quaaludes. The situation she describes sounds to me like date rape. The man told her the next day that she "wanted it". She believed him, having not remembered what happened and not wanting to think of him as a liar because he was a police officer. This young lady was a Christian who wanted to save herself for marriage. After she lost her virginity, she felt intense guilt, shame and disgust. She held erroneous beliefs that God now considered her married to the man who took her virginity and that no one else would want her anyway since she wasn't a virgin. She chose to marry him and he turned out to be an abuser.

The whole idea of God considering people married once they have sex comes from the Old Testament. When a man had sex with a woman, it was understood that he was taking her as his wife. We live in a different culture now, where we have an actual marriage ceremony and license to create a marriage between two people. The sex act is no longer a ritual used to define marriage. If you have sex with someone, you are not married to that person. Some people also us this erroneous thinking to justify remaining in a sexual but unwed relationship.

The situation described in the book brings to mind an experience from years ago. I attended a fundraiser dinner for the local Pregnancy Help Center, which was founded by my parents' church. The main goal of the Pregnancy Help Center was to discourage unwed mothers from having abortions. The organization offered counseling and support, as well as free baby clothing and other items. At the dinner, a few young ladies stood up and spoke about how much the organization had helped them. One girl in particular stood out in my mind. She stated happily that the center had urged her to marry her baby's father. She followed their advice and claimed now to be happily married to the man. The funny thing was, I saw the same girl a week later in a public place sporting a black eye. She looked extremely depressed and was with her husband at the time. I do not know for a fact that it was he who gave her the black eye, but I have a pretty good feeling that it was. Usually my hunches are right on. I was incensed at the fact that this organization, which is set up to "help" women, actually encouraged this young lady to marry an abusive man. Maybe they didn't know he was abusive. Still, I don't think it's their place to tell women what to do with their relationships. I am sure they thought that they were saving her from hellfire and brimstone since she was sexually active outside of marriage, but really, is getting the crap beat out of you any better? They should have at least done their homework and properly assessed the situation, looking for signs of abuse before giving her any advice.

There have also been times when young girls have been forced to marry a boy they had sex with by their own parents, especially when they are pregnant.

THIS IS WRONG.

To all you young Christian girls out there who made a mistake, you do not have to marry a guy just because you had sex or got pregnant. Especially if there are red flags, I urge you to not get married. Read my "Dating" articles for examples of red flags in relationships. If you see red flags, end the relationship now, no matter how much in love you think you are or even if you are pregnant. You do not have to marry your baby's father. Yes, being a single parent is hard, but being in an abusive marriage is worse. Take it from someone who has been there.

Also, breaking up with a boyfriend is a lot easier to do than getting a divorce, especially when children are involved. Most people will stay in an abusive relationship or return to one when they have children. Having kids makes many women want to keep an intact family unit.

A divorce can be a lengthy process as well. In my state, a couple with children must be separated for at least one year before filing for divorce when they have children together. Divorces can cost anywhere from $400 to thousands of dollars in legal fees. If you get into a nasty custody battle, be prepared to pay a lot of money. Most people don't go into court without a lawyer and I wouldn't advise it.

The separation pending the divorce is a dangerous time for a woman. This is the time when abusive men escalate; stalking, threatening, and even causing physical harm to their victims. It is during separation that most battered women are murdered by their abusive spouses.

In a nutshell, a boyfriend will go away a lot easier than a husband. He may give you a little trouble at first when you try to break up with him, but if you follow my tips in my "Breaking Up" articles, you should be fine.

If you have made a mistake by having premarital sex, the only thing you have to do to rectify your sin and ease your guilt is confess the sin to the Lord and repent of it. You are not obligated to marry the guy, and don't let anybody coerce you into it, whether it be the boyfriend, a friend, a parent, or even a pastor. There may be consequences you might have to deal with such as pregnancy and STDs. These can be unpleasant things, but God will help you deal with them. It is not the end of the world. It may seem like it at the time, but trust me, life goes on and so will you. Trust in God to direct your life and he will lead to you a good Christian man who will treat you like a queen. You may have to wait a few years to find the right man, but that's okay. Focus on going to college and raising your child. Just please don't marry the wrong guy - it will be a decision you'll regret for the rest of your life.

Click to Empower Campaign

2009-07-16T21:37:00Z

The Allstate Foundation is a charitable organization founded by the Allstate Corporation. It was established in 1952 and serves to promote "safe and vital communites", "tolerance, inclusion, and diversity," and "economic empowerment." The Allstate foundation created the Economics Against Abuse program in conjunction with the National Network to End Domestic Violence. This program is designed to help survivors get on their feet by helping them build their financial independence to become free of and stay free from abuse.

In order to do this, the Allstate Foundation is offering a $100,000 grant to the organization who receives the most votes on the website ClicktoEmpower.org. The contest runs until September 15th. I'm voting for Safe Horizon, a nonprofit organization offering domestic violence assistance programs in New York City. Safe Horizon has touched the lives of over 350,000 domestic violence victims. This organization is the largest provider of domestic violence programs in the U.S. It provides a 24-hour crisis hotline, shelter, clothing, food, transportation, counseling, legal help, financial counseling, resume building, and more. Safe Horizon also has crossed over into the work force, training executives all over the country to protect their employees from the impact of domestic violence in the workplace.

Visitors to the site can vote daily. The organization that receives the most votes by September 15 will receive a $100,000 grant to help survivors build a new life. The remaining three organizations will receive a $10,000 grant. Learn more about each organization and their programs on the Click to Empower website.

Why Working From Home is an Attractive Proposition in Today's Era

2009-06-29T21:25:00Z

The 21st century is witnessing a boom in work at home jobs and business opportunities across the globe. Particularly, with the economic scenario becoming challenging, many businesses are faced with the prospect of cutting down costs and improving operational efficiencies. It is the era of a leaner and meaner organization that is able to outsource work and get the job done at a lower cost from home based workers who do not have the burden of costly overheads.

At the same time, the spectacular advancements in the field of information and communication, predominantly the growth and popularity of the Internet has completely changed the way we live and the way we do business. Working from home has become a solid, viable alternative in the new Internet-centric world that we live in.

Not only from the viewpoint of the business organization, but also from the home-based entrepreneur’s perspective, there are several advantages to working from home, which makes it a win-win situation for both. Let us list some of the key advantages from a home based worker’s perspective:

1. You are your own boss: The best part about working from home is that even if you are working for a company as an employee, or you may be running your own home business, in both cases, you run your own show within the home. You are responsible for your own actions, and there is no one looking over your shoulder all the time. There is a great sense of freedom attached when you work independently out of your home.

2. Flexibility of working hours: You get to decide your own work schedule for the most part. You can juggle between different tasks, set your own pace, and decide how best to maximize your work efficiency.

3. Balance between work and family life: Especially for moms, there is an excellent advantage to work from home. They do not need to leave the kids at a day care center, and can manage to bring a reasonable balance between their work and family responsibilities when working from home.

4. Save on commuting time: There can be a substantial saving of your time and energy that would have been spent in commuting daily to your office.

5. Cost efficiencies: As a home based entrepreneur, you have a better opportunity to control your costs and deliver a better value to your customers compared to a competitor who may have to struggle with office overhead expenses. Especially with the stiff real estate costs and expensive maintenance of a commercial office, it makes great business sense if you can deliver the same efficiency by working from home.

Therefore, a compelling case can be made in favor of work at home jobs and businesses. Especially for moms who are looking to contribute to their household income and people who are facing loss of employment or poor job prospects at offices, and even budding entrepreneurs who wish to start a new business without exposing themselves to high financial risks and investments.

Bizymoms has been dedicated to helping women work from home for over 10 years! Visit today to enjoy our interactive message boards, informative articles, help and advice from the Bizymoms’ Home Business Support Team and achieve your own work at home dreams with our home business start up kits.

Abuse Recovery Exercise

2009-06-28T22:38:00Z

I was looking through old papers today and found a journal entry from January of this year. It was a list I had made to help me feel better about myself and where I was at in life. I looked at it and realized it's a good exercise for anyone who has left an abuser.

How my life has improved since I left my ex:

Freedom from abuse
Depression lifted
Able to do things my way
Not having to listen to constant b****ing
Not having to deal with a total slob
Bills are being paid
No worries about eviction or utilites getting cut off
Better relationship with my son
Internet addiction is gone
Better sex life
Wonderful relationship with new husband
Freedom to be a Christian
No more put-downs
No more arguing

Reading over that list really helps remind me how much better I have it now. If you are feeling down in the dumps, make a similar list; it helps!

What I Learned in DBT Last Week

2009-06-24T18:48:00Z

Last week I had my first group therapy session for DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I learned some things that I thought were worth sharing with my readers.

There was a lady in the class who was relating a recent experience with her husband, in which she confronted him about an insult he had made earlier. She never used the word "abusive" to describe him, but after listening to her for a few minutes, it became apparent that her husband was indeed abusive, at least verbally.

So I asked the therapist if DBT works when dealing with abusers, because it always seemed like it didn't matter what I did when dealing with an abuser, I just couldn't get any respect.

He replied that you can't change someone else's behavior and handed out a printout of behavior types. There are four different types: direct agression, indirect agression, passivity, and assertiveness. He said that abusers tend to fall into one of the first two categories, whereas we, when dealing with an abuser, become passive, and the goal is to become assertive.

He then said there are three choices one can make for one's relationships:

1) Keep going on the way it has been
2) Two people can agree to work on the relationship, and this takes committment from BOTH.
3) Get out.

The therapist said that in an abusive relationship, you really only have 2 choices (because the abuser will not work on the relationship): Keep going on the way it has been and stay miserable or get out. Then he said really there is only one choice: to get out. Then he told the lady who had been sharing about her husband to get out.

So there you have it. There's nothing you can do to make an abusive relationship better. It really doesn't matter what you do because the abuser's behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how he perceives the world and chooses to behave. All the therapy in the world will not work if both parties are not working on the relationship. So, the only choice you have is to get out.

Rihanna To Testify Against Chris Brown

2009-06-11T22:46:00Z

According to People magazine, Rihanna has been subpoenaed to testify against Chris Brown at his June 22nd assault hearing.

For the full story click here.

President Obama Approves Funding for Domestic Abuse Programs

2009-06-11T15:45:00Z

While many presidents of the past have cut funding to domestic abuse programs, President Obama has not. The funding for domestic violence programs such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline will remain the same in 2010 as it is for 2009.

More information...

Read about what Obama did in the past to help fight domestic violence and sexual abuse.

The Fresh Air Fund Needs Host Families

2009-06-09T18:55:00Z

The Fresh Air Fund is an organization which matches inner city children to families living outside of the city for one to two weeks each summer. The children come from low income areas in New York City. It's a great experience for the children to get a break from inner city life and get a breath of "fresh air".

I know a lady who hosted a child from the Fresh Air Fund and I think it was a positive experience for the kid and my friend's family. From what I remember, the child was very well-behaved.

If you can't be a host this summer, consider making a donation. For the month of June, all donations made will be matched dollar for dollar by other generous donors.

For more information on the Fresh Air Fund, visit this page.

Update 08.15.09: The Fresh Air Fund still needs host families for August. It's not to late to help a Fresh Air Kid!

Increase in Numbers at Domestic Violence Shelters Due to Bad Economy

2009-05-27T13:46:00Z

Mary Kay recently conducted the survey "Mary Kay's Truth About Abuse", and found that the number of women requesting assistance from domestic violence shelters has risen since September when the economy went on a downturn.

Mary Kay interviewed 600 shelters nationwide and found that 3 out of 4 reported this increase. Shelter representatives attribute the increase in abuse to financial issues, stress, and job loss.

The region which had the largest increase was the South, at 78 percent. The Midwest reported a 74 percent increase, the Northeast a 72 percent increase, and the West with the lowest increase at 71 percent.

Overall, the increase across the nation is high. This study suggests that there is a link between domestic violence and the economy.

To learn more about the survey, read the article at Mary Kay's website.

My thoughts:

I'm not going to blame abuse on the economy. I still think there are deeper reasons that men abuse women, having to do with childhood issues and anger problems. Financial problems definitely cause more stress, however, and may cause men to lash out more. I also think in today's economy, women have less options when it comes to leaving, so they're more likely to end up at a shelter. I do wonder how much abuse has actually increased. Maybe more women are getting help now.

The good part is that Mary Kay started the "Beauty that Counts" initiative, a program to fight cancer and domestic abuse. The company will donate one dollar of each sale of certain lipsticks to the program until December 15, 2009. The Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation has donated close to $18 million to shelters and domestic violence prevention programs in the U.S. since it started in 1996.

I'm glad to see that Mary Kay has stepped in to help with the problem of domestic violence. This is just one more group we have on our side!

Thank you Mary Kay!

Started Therapy

2009-05-11T03:03:00Z

I started therapy two weeks ago. I'll be doing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). I skimmed the folder the therapist gave me and it looks neat.

We'll also be dealing with abuse issues, particularly childhood abuse. I'm not particularly excited about digging that stuff up, but if it will help me grow, it's worth it.

I'll keep you all updated on how things progress.

Where to go to Meet a Nice Man

2009-04-12T00:11:00Z

First of all, stay away from bars, unless you want another drunk loser. Bars are places people go to meet others with which to have one-night stands. If that isn't what you're looking for, stay away.

I'm still not sure about online dating. My personal experience has not been positive. I never met any psychos, though, thank God! But there is a safety issue at hand. I'm not really sure how many actual "good" guys there are online. Sure, they look good in their profiles but people always put their best foot forward in something like that, myself included.

The positive side to online dating is you can pick and choose who you wish to go out with. It can be very empowering.

A friend of mine met her husband online. So it does work out for some people.

Church is a good place to meet nice single men. You can also join groups for people with various interests. Meetup.com Is a great place to find local groups.

Sometimes you just might run into him when you are out somewhere. Or you may meet him through a friend. I met my husband in his store. He owns a second-hand store, and I was moving into my apartment. I needed furniture, so I was browsing the second-hand shops in my town that day and we just started talking. Now we're married.

Just be patient. The right man will come along. Until then, enjoy your single life and don't settle for less just to have somebody.

Tips for Dating Successfully

2009-04-09T01:02:00Z

In order to date successfully (in other words, "land the right man"), there's some things you have to do:

1) Set boundaries. Determine what you will and will not tolerate. Make these boundaries clear. For instance, "My ex did such-and-such, and I just won't put up with it anymore."

2) Keep your boundaries. If he crosses one, don't just let it slide. Call him on it. If he apologizes and promises to not do it again, you might want to give him another chance. If he argues with you and insists that what he did was fine and that you were overreacting/being overly sensitive, etc., he is showing signs of an abuser and it's time to bail.

3) Expect respect. He should open doors for you, pay for the meals and treat you in a respectful manner. He should care about your feelings and respect your opinions even when he disagrees with you. If he can't respect you, he's out the door.

4) Be willing to walk away. Don't feel so desperate for love that you cling to someone who is unhealthy for you. There are other men out there who will appreciate and love you. Be willing to walk away from an abusive or unhealthy relationship.

5) Don't rehash old dramas you had with your ex. For instance, don't start fights with the new boyfriend to get back at your ex. You're just setting yourself up for another abusive relationship. If you find yourself doing this, get some counseling and don't date for a while.

6) Don't have sex before marriage. I may sound old-fashioned, but I know from personal experience that when you have sex with a man outside of marriage, he loses respect for you. Most often, he gets this idea that he "owns" you and starts to get controlling. He doesn't have the right to your body until he is married to you.

7) Be nice to the nice guy. Don't treat a guy badly because some guy treated you badly, especially if he's being nice to you. Be appreciate of someone who is nice to you. Be nice to him. Do favors for him. Let him know that you appreciate him and that you care. That way, you're not continuing the cycle of abuse.