You Don't Have to Get Married!
I'm reading a book right now by a Christian lady who left an abusive marriage. I'm only a few chapters in to the book, so I'm not going to give the name of it out just yet. When I finish it, I'll write a review.
The lady describes a situation where she was unknowingly coerced into having sex while on Quaaludes. The situation she describes sounds to me like date rape. The man told her the next day that she "wanted it". She believed him, having not remembered what happened and not wanting to think of him as a liar because he was a police officer. This young lady was a Christian who wanted to save herself for marriage. After she lost her virginity, she felt intense guilt, shame and disgust. She held erroneous beliefs that God now considered her married to the man who took her virginity and that no one else would want her anyway since she wasn't a virgin. She chose to marry him and he turned out to be an abuser.
The whole idea of God considering people married once they have sex comes from the Old Testament. When a man had sex with a woman, it was understood that he was taking her as his wife. We live in a different culture now, where we have an actual marriage ceremony and license to create a marriage between two people. The sex act is no longer a ritual used to define marriage. If you have sex with someone, you are not married to that person. Some people also us this erroneous thinking to justify remaining in a sexual but unwed relationship.
The situation described in the book brings to mind an experience from years ago. I attended a fundraiser dinner for the local Pregnancy Help Center, which was founded by my parents' church. The main goal of the Pregnancy Help Center was to discourage unwed mothers from having abortions. The organization offered counseling and support, as well as free baby clothing and other items. At the dinner, a few young ladies stood up and spoke about how much the organization had helped them. One girl in particular stood out in my mind. She stated happily that the center had urged her to marry her baby's father. She followed their advice and claimed now to be happily married to the man. The funny thing was, I saw the same girl a week later in a public place sporting a black eye. She looked extremely depressed and was with her husband at the time. I do not know for a fact that it was he who gave her the black eye, but I have a pretty good feeling that it was. Usually my hunches are right on. I was incensed at the fact that this organization, which is set up to "help" women, actually encouraged this young lady to marry an abusive man. Maybe they didn't know he was abusive. Still, I don't think it's their place to tell women what to do with their relationships. I am sure they thought that they were saving her from hellfire and brimstone since she was sexually active outside of marriage, but really, is getting the crap beat out of you any better? They should have at least done their homework and properly assessed the situation, looking for signs of abuse before giving her any advice.
There have also been times when young girls have been forced to marry a boy they had sex with by their own parents, especially when they are pregnant.
THIS IS WRONG.
To all you young Christian girls out there who made a mistake, you do not have to marry a guy just because you had sex or got pregnant. Especially if there are red flags, I urge you to not get married. Read my "Dating" articles for examples of red flags in relationships. If you see red flags, end the relationship now, no matter how much in love you think you are or even if you are pregnant. You do not have to marry your baby's father. Yes, being a single parent is hard, but being in an abusive marriage is worse. Take it from someone who has been there.
Also, breaking up with a boyfriend is a lot easier to do than getting a divorce, especially when children are involved. Most people will stay in an abusive relationship or return to one when they have children. Having kids makes many women want to keep an intact family unit.
A divorce can be a lengthy process as well. In my state, a couple with children must be separated for at least one year before filing for divorce when they have children together. Divorces can cost anywhere from $400 to thousands of dollars in legal fees. If you get into a nasty custody battle, be prepared to pay a lot of money. Most people don't go into court without a lawyer and I wouldn't advise it.
The separation pending the divorce is a dangerous time for a woman. This is the time when abusive men escalate; stalking, threatening, and even causing physical harm to their victims. It is during separation that most battered women are murdered by their abusive spouses.
In a nutshell, a boyfriend will go away a lot easier than a husband. He may give you a little trouble at first when you try to break up with him, but if you follow my tips in my "Breaking Up" articles, you should be fine.
If you have made a mistake by having premarital sex, the only thing you have to do to rectify your sin and ease your guilt is confess the sin to the Lord and repent of it. You are not obligated to marry the guy, and don't let anybody coerce you into it, whether it be the boyfriend, a friend, a parent, or even a pastor. There may be consequences you might have to deal with such as pregnancy and STDs. These can be unpleasant things, but God will help you deal with them. It is not the end of the world. It may seem like it at the time, but trust me, life goes on and so will you. Trust in God to direct your life and he will lead to you a good Christian man who will treat you like a queen. You may have to wait a few years to find the right man, but that's okay. Focus on going to college and raising your child. Just please don't marry the wrong guy - it will be a decision you'll regret for the rest of your life.
The lady describes a situation where she was unknowingly coerced into having sex while on Quaaludes. The situation she describes sounds to me like date rape. The man told her the next day that she "wanted it". She believed him, having not remembered what happened and not wanting to think of him as a liar because he was a police officer. This young lady was a Christian who wanted to save herself for marriage. After she lost her virginity, she felt intense guilt, shame and disgust. She held erroneous beliefs that God now considered her married to the man who took her virginity and that no one else would want her anyway since she wasn't a virgin. She chose to marry him and he turned out to be an abuser.
The whole idea of God considering people married once they have sex comes from the Old Testament. When a man had sex with a woman, it was understood that he was taking her as his wife. We live in a different culture now, where we have an actual marriage ceremony and license to create a marriage between two people. The sex act is no longer a ritual used to define marriage. If you have sex with someone, you are not married to that person. Some people also us this erroneous thinking to justify remaining in a sexual but unwed relationship.
The situation described in the book brings to mind an experience from years ago. I attended a fundraiser dinner for the local Pregnancy Help Center, which was founded by my parents' church. The main goal of the Pregnancy Help Center was to discourage unwed mothers from having abortions. The organization offered counseling and support, as well as free baby clothing and other items. At the dinner, a few young ladies stood up and spoke about how much the organization had helped them. One girl in particular stood out in my mind. She stated happily that the center had urged her to marry her baby's father. She followed their advice and claimed now to be happily married to the man. The funny thing was, I saw the same girl a week later in a public place sporting a black eye. She looked extremely depressed and was with her husband at the time. I do not know for a fact that it was he who gave her the black eye, but I have a pretty good feeling that it was. Usually my hunches are right on. I was incensed at the fact that this organization, which is set up to "help" women, actually encouraged this young lady to marry an abusive man. Maybe they didn't know he was abusive. Still, I don't think it's their place to tell women what to do with their relationships. I am sure they thought that they were saving her from hellfire and brimstone since she was sexually active outside of marriage, but really, is getting the crap beat out of you any better? They should have at least done their homework and properly assessed the situation, looking for signs of abuse before giving her any advice.
There have also been times when young girls have been forced to marry a boy they had sex with by their own parents, especially when they are pregnant.
THIS IS WRONG.
To all you young Christian girls out there who made a mistake, you do not have to marry a guy just because you had sex or got pregnant. Especially if there are red flags, I urge you to not get married. Read my "Dating" articles for examples of red flags in relationships. If you see red flags, end the relationship now, no matter how much in love you think you are or even if you are pregnant. You do not have to marry your baby's father. Yes, being a single parent is hard, but being in an abusive marriage is worse. Take it from someone who has been there.
Also, breaking up with a boyfriend is a lot easier to do than getting a divorce, especially when children are involved. Most people will stay in an abusive relationship or return to one when they have children. Having kids makes many women want to keep an intact family unit.
A divorce can be a lengthy process as well. In my state, a couple with children must be separated for at least one year before filing for divorce when they have children together. Divorces can cost anywhere from $400 to thousands of dollars in legal fees. If you get into a nasty custody battle, be prepared to pay a lot of money. Most people don't go into court without a lawyer and I wouldn't advise it.
The separation pending the divorce is a dangerous time for a woman. This is the time when abusive men escalate; stalking, threatening, and even causing physical harm to their victims. It is during separation that most battered women are murdered by their abusive spouses.
In a nutshell, a boyfriend will go away a lot easier than a husband. He may give you a little trouble at first when you try to break up with him, but if you follow my tips in my "Breaking Up" articles, you should be fine.
If you have made a mistake by having premarital sex, the only thing you have to do to rectify your sin and ease your guilt is confess the sin to the Lord and repent of it. You are not obligated to marry the guy, and don't let anybody coerce you into it, whether it be the boyfriend, a friend, a parent, or even a pastor. There may be consequences you might have to deal with such as pregnancy and STDs. These can be unpleasant things, but God will help you deal with them. It is not the end of the world. It may seem like it at the time, but trust me, life goes on and so will you. Trust in God to direct your life and he will lead to you a good Christian man who will treat you like a queen. You may have to wait a few years to find the right man, but that's okay. Focus on going to college and raising your child. Just please don't marry the wrong guy - it will be a decision you'll regret for the rest of your life.
I totally agree that one mistake does not mean that you have to pay for it with a lifetime. It's always best if we can avoid mistakes, but when that isn't possible it's best to learn from them rather than just making them worse.
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In this post it almost sounds like you are talking to me. I am just getting out of a relationship that started as verbal and psychological abuse and finally turned into sexual and physical abuse. I am quite young and have a five month old son. I married his father because of the pregnancy. I finally left him after this last incident and I will never go back. He is in jail and awaits a trial, and his family is making everything sound like it was my fault. I am so scared for the trial, but as long as I have faith I believe he will pay for his crime and hopefully never do this to another woman again. Thank you for this post it gives me hope, and yes I will focus on going to college and raising my son.
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I am sorry to hear about what happened to you, but I am glad you got away! Congrats for losing the loser and moving on with your life!
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Very well said. Living alone in life is hard but marriage with an abusive partner is worse. So please be careful before you say I do, remember that it's a lifetime union. Good thing I am blessed enough to have my wonderful DH who is I considered to be His greatest gift any wife wishes to have.
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That is great that you have a good husband. I wish everybody could have one!
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