What I Learned in DBT Last Week
Last week I had my first group therapy session for DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I learned some things that I thought were worth sharing with my readers.
There was a lady in the class who was relating a recent experience with her husband, in which she confronted him about an insult he had made earlier. She never used the word "abusive" to describe him, but after listening to her for a few minutes, it became apparent that her husband was indeed abusive, at least verbally.
So I asked the therapist if DBT works when dealing with abusers, because it always seemed like it didn't matter what I did when dealing with an abuser, I just couldn't get any respect.
He replied that you can't change someone else's behavior and handed out a printout of behavior types. There are four different types: direct agression, indirect agression, passivity, and assertiveness. He said that abusers tend to fall into one of the first two categories, whereas we, when dealing with an abuser, become passive, and the goal is to become assertive.
He then said there are three choices one can make for one's relationships:
1) Keep going on the way it has been
2) Two people can agree to work on the relationship, and this takes committment from BOTH.
3) Get out.
The therapist said that in an abusive relationship, you really only have 2 choices (because the abuser will not work on the relationship): Keep going on the way it has been and stay miserable or get out. Then he said really there is only one choice: to get out. Then he told the lady who had been sharing about her husband to get out.
So there you have it. There's nothing you can do to make an abusive relationship better. It really doesn't matter what you do because the abuser's behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how he perceives the world and chooses to behave. All the therapy in the world will not work if both parties are not working on the relationship. So, the only choice you have is to get out.
There was a lady in the class who was relating a recent experience with her husband, in which she confronted him about an insult he had made earlier. She never used the word "abusive" to describe him, but after listening to her for a few minutes, it became apparent that her husband was indeed abusive, at least verbally.
So I asked the therapist if DBT works when dealing with abusers, because it always seemed like it didn't matter what I did when dealing with an abuser, I just couldn't get any respect.
He replied that you can't change someone else's behavior and handed out a printout of behavior types. There are four different types: direct agression, indirect agression, passivity, and assertiveness. He said that abusers tend to fall into one of the first two categories, whereas we, when dealing with an abuser, become passive, and the goal is to become assertive.
He then said there are three choices one can make for one's relationships:
1) Keep going on the way it has been
2) Two people can agree to work on the relationship, and this takes committment from BOTH.
3) Get out.
The therapist said that in an abusive relationship, you really only have 2 choices (because the abuser will not work on the relationship): Keep going on the way it has been and stay miserable or get out. Then he said really there is only one choice: to get out. Then he told the lady who had been sharing about her husband to get out.
So there you have it. There's nothing you can do to make an abusive relationship better. It really doesn't matter what you do because the abuser's behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how he perceives the world and chooses to behave. All the therapy in the world will not work if both parties are not working on the relationship. So, the only choice you have is to get out.
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