If you’re like I used to be, you’ve probably left and returned to your abuser too many times to count. And every time you leave, you say this is the LAST time. So what can you do to insure that now it really is the last time?

Let’s look at the reasons we go back to these relationships. Here are some of the reasons I went back:

Financial problems: Having trouble making ends meet; the abuser promising to take care of me financially.
Relationship problems: The guys I dated during my separation from the abuser were such big losers that they actually made the abuser look good to me!
Promises: The abuser making lots of promises; the “I Can Change” dance; acting like a nice person.
A family unit: A father for my son; a family that is together and not broken; someone to help me with childrearing.
Despair: In my depression, I couldn’t see that I had options. I was in low-paying job that I hated, living in low-income housing, and had a string of failed relationships behind me. At the time, going back seemed like the only thing to do.

I suspect these themes are common amongst women who have trouble leaving abusive relationships for good. But let’s dig a little deeper. Some of the reasons we go back are psychological as well. Many of us have low self-esteem and lack confidence, thinking we can’t make it on our own. Such was true for me. We also may be insecure and feel like we need a partner in order to be okay. Many of us have been brainwashed by our abusers, resulting in battered woman’s syndrome, which is a set of behaviors and thinking processes that contribute to the cycle of abuse.

It’s not that easy to get past when you’ve been a victim of abuse for years. It’s not like you can just leave and then everything will be okay. You have a lot to deal with and a lot of pain to recover from. Sometimes when you’re going through hard times, returning to the abuser looks like the easy way out. With his deceptive charm, he can be very enticing.

So what can you do to keep from falling for him again?

When I left my abuser for the final time, I moved to the other side of the state. With a three-hour drive between us, we had much less contact than we did when we lived in the same area. I think the move had a lot to do with keeping me from going back. I understand not everyone is able to make a move like this. For those who can, it’s not a bad idea to start over somewhere else.

It’s also important to establish a good support network. I did this as well. I joined a church where I received counseling from an elder and lots of support from the members. The people there believed what I said about my ex-husband and supported my decision to remain separated from him.

Become independent. It took me a year to move out of my parents’ house, but I did it. I have a full-time job and I’m living on my own. I don’t have a lot of money and I’m in low-income housing, but I’m making it. It feels good to not have to depend on anyone. I also have career goals - I plan to go to nursing school next year.

If you haven’t already, take a few minutes to read the following articles: A Good Support Network, The “I Can Change” Dance, Resources, and After You’ve Left. These posts will give you more ideas on staying abuse-free.