When you find yourself in constant conflict with somebody, do you ever wonder if you are the problem? If you do, that shows that you are willing to take an honest look at yourself and admit that you’re not perfect. However, sometimes you can take this too far and end up accepting the blame for someone else’s problems.

To find out if you are the problem, take an inventory of your relationships. Are the same conflicts playing out in your other relationships as well? Does it seem that you are in conflict with everyone around you? If so, much of the problem may be stemming from you. Perhaps you have a brash way of communicating. Or, it could be that you are making poor choices.

Another way to determine where the problem lies is to describe the conflict in detail to a trusted friend or counselor. Be sure to leave nothing out - describe your own behaviors honestly as well as the behaviors of the other person. Sometimes we want to minimize our own unpleasant behaviors while exaggerating the actions of the other party. If you truly want to get to the bottom of it, be 100% honest when recalling the event.

The problem could be that the two personalities just aren’t compatible. This happens all the time. Neither party is better or worse than the other; it just happens that they do not get along! In this case, chalk it up to a personality clash and move on.

If after reviewing the evidence, you determine that the problem isn’t you, then you are dealing with a toxic person. Since it’s not healthy for you to be around a toxic person, I’d advise that you cut this person out of your life completely, if possible. If this isn’t possible, minimize contact as much as you can. In the case that the toxic person is someone you have to be around, such as a coworker, than get advice from a therapist on how to deal with this person.

There are certain behaviors are characteristic of abusers, such as insults, intimidation, threats, and manipulation. (More on this later.) If you find that the other person exhibits these behaviors, then you are most likely dealing with an abuser. Deal with an abuser the same way I advised you deal with a toxic person: cut off contact or at least minimize it. If you are married to an abuser, it’s a little more complicated. Some people choose to stay with abusers for various reasons. I advise that you leave. Refer to my article Leaving Your Abuser. Remember, when you are in conflict with an abuser, the problem really isn’t you. The abuser will try to make you think that you’re the problem, but the conflict really is caused by the abuser’s behaviors.

If you have determined that the other person is not an abuser or toxic, and you think that the problem is you, then work on changing your behavior. You may need a therapist to help teach you how to do this. If things still don’t improve after you’ve changed, then the problem may have more to do with the other person than you thought!