Let’s say you’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks or a few months, and you’ve decided that it’s time to break up. Maybe you’ve determined that he’s a loser or perhaps the two of you just aren’t compatible. You’re not living together yet, so you don’t need to go through all the steps outlined in my previous article, Leaving Your Abuser.

Breaking up can be hard to do, no matter what stage you are at in the relationship. There’s really no easy way to do it. There are going to be hurt feelings no matter what you say. Your boyfriend is probably going to be upset with you, no matter how you go about it. However, there are some ways to make breaking up easier on YOU.

There are several different methods you can use for breaking up: in person, on the phone, on voicemail, in a letter, via email, or via text message. I don’t recommend using a third party. The message needs to come straight from you.

The most difficult way to break up is in person. This is also the way he’d prefer you‘d do it. That’s because it’s easier for him to manipulate you into staying with him when you’re in person. If you decide to do this in person, don’t go to his house, or have him over to yours. That will give the two of you too much time together to talk. When you break it off, you want the conversation to be short and sweet. During a long discussion, he can manipulate you in any of the following ways:

- Insist that your perception of him is incorrect. He tells you that he did not do those things that you remember so clearly. Abusers do this. They deny reality, lying about past events. They try to make their partner feel like she is delusional or has a failing memory. If he can convince you that you’re wrong about what he did, then you have no reason to leave him, right?

- Insist that what he did was okay. He will give reasons for the things he did, and insist that he was right to do those things, even though he made you uncomfortable. His idea is that you shouldn’t be uncomfortable, because what he did was okay. And if what he did was okay, you have no reason to break up with him, right?

- Become incredibly compliant. He’ll agree to do whatever you want him to do, because he doesn’t want to lose you. If he’s agreeing to do what you want, then you can’t leave him, right? The problem here is that people rarely change overnight. If he has some serious issues, he’s going to have to get some professional help in order to even begin to change. So he may make some great promises, but be unable to deliver.

- Cry. Yes, there are men that do this. It’s incredibly manipulative, and I just can’t stand it.

- Keep insisting that he loves you. He usually does this while crying. It makes dumping him difficult, because he’s trying to make you feel guilty. And if you have any heart at all, he’s probably succeeded.

Any of these tactics can make you change your mind. That’s why I don’t recommend breaking up in person. However, if you really feel that you should, the best way to do it is to meet him at a café. Be sure to drive yourself, so you can leave when you are finished. Don’t dump him over dinner. That gives you too much time to talk, leaving you open to manipulation. If you are worried that he may become physical, definitely do not break up with him in person.