Some Tips for Leaving:

- Don’t tell him of your plans to leave. He WILL make efforts to stop you. He may take time off from work or even quit his job to stay home and watch you. He may tell you that you can leave, but you can’t take the kids. Then you’ll feel like you have to stay in order to be with your kids. Don’t believe that lie. You CAN leave, and you CAN take your kids with you. Don’t tell him that you plan to leave in the first place and then he can’t manipulate you into staying.

- Leave when he is gone. That way he can’t stop you. If you have your own car, leaving will be fairly easy. If you don’t own a car, then you will have to arrange transportation with a friend or family member. Plan for them to pick you (and the kids, if you have them) up at a designated time when the abuser is at work or somewhere else.

- Leaving a note is optional. I don’t really see the point in it, but if you do decide to leave one, make sure you do not give the location of where you’ll be staying.

- Have a destination in mind. Preferably the home of a friend or relative where you’ll be safe, or a battered women’s shelter. Here is a directory of shelters across the U.S. As a last resort, stay in a motel. It’s safer right now to be in the company of others who will support you. I would recommend a shelter before a motel because it’s not only safer, it’s free. Don’t feel ashamed to go to a shelter. It’s not like the mission. Usually, it’s a house where several women live as roommates until they can get on their feet.

- If you do stay in a motel, pay with cash, not with your credit card. He can track your charges and find out where you’re staying. It goes for any purchases, such as gas and groceries. Pay cash for everything; and that way there’s less of a chance he may find you.

- Be sure that the people you are staying with know not to tell him that you’re there if he calls, and not to answer the door if he knocks. They need to understand the severity of the situation and be willing to protect you and your children.

- Tell your employer and colleagues that you left your abusive husband and he is not to be allowed on the premises and calls are to be blocked. You may feel some shame in admitting to people at work that you were in an abusive relationship, but your safety is the most important thing here. If they have a problem with it, it’s their problem, not yours. You have done the right thing and are no less of a person because you were with an abuser. You can always find another job, anyway.

- If you believe that your life is in danger, you may have to quit your job. If you really don’t want to quit, ask to switch to another location, or take some time off.

- Don’t call him after you leave. You have no reason to talk to him. You can settle any legal matters with the help of a lawyer. If you call your ex now, he will try to make you feel guilty for leaving, and/or seem very compliant in an effort to win you back. Don’t even give him the chance, because if you go back, nothing will change. He will be the same or worse.

For more tips, read Part 2 of Leaving Your Abuser.