Wait Before You Date
When it comes to dating, it's best to wait.
Don't jump into a relationship immediately after you leave your abuser. During that time, you're under extreme duress, you're feeling desperate, and you're not thinking clearly. Your choice for a mate at this time may be poor. Instead, take your time so you can get your self-confidence back and learn about what qualities you want in a man.
It's easier to lose one loser, only to replace him with another. Many women do this. That's why it's so important that you wait. This way, it is easier to break the cycle. I know an older lady who has been in abusive relationships her entire life. It's really sad.
A big reason that many women jump from one abuser to the next is that they believe that they cannot make it on their own. Maybe they think they need a man for financial reasons, emotional reasons, or both. Abused women typically are conditioned by their abuser to feel dependent on him, and lack the confidence they need to live on their own. Often, they leave their abuser to move in with another man, who turns out to be an abuser as well. Or, they live independently for a short time, quickly latching on to another man, who is an abuser. The cycle continues.
If you think you need a man for financial security, you're wrong. In today's world, there are tons of opportunities for women. Even if you think you have no skills, you can find a job. Consider the following:
Waitressing
Care giving
Day Care
Retail Store Clerk
Librarian Assistant
Cafeteria Worker
Sales
Customer Service Rep
Work From Home (contact me for more info)
For a higher paying job, you can always go back to school and get a degree or a certificate. There are so many careers to choose from, I can't even begin to list them! There are schools all over the country offering convenient class hours and decent tuition rates, and many of them are online.
Having your own career will help you feel better about yourself and it will keep you from falling in the trap of needing a man for the money. If you are making your own money and living well, then when you do decide to date, it will be for the right reasons - to share your life with someone you love, not to find someone to pay your bills for you. Your head will be clear, and you will make better, more thought-out decisions about whom to date. You will choose a mate for his character traits, not his bank balance. You'll also find it easier to ditch a guy who begins to show abusive characteristics, regardless of his income. Most of all, you won't feel like you NEED a man, so you won't take any crap! Perhaps the biggest reason women tolerate too much crap is because they think they need a man.
If you haven't left your abuser yet, please make a plan to do so that does not involve another man. When you leave your abuser, your goal should be to become independent, not to continue dependency on another man. If you don't have enough money to move out, then get a job. If he won't let you, then move in with friends or family. If you have nowhere to go, there are battered women shelters in just about every community across the U.S. You can live in a shelter temporarily and be safe from your abuser while you get on your feet.
Some women really can't stand being alone. They feel like they have to be in a relationship, even if it's a bad one. Society puts pressure on women to be in relationships as well. There seems to be this stigma about being single. I sensed it when I was single. Even so, my single times were some of the happiest times of my life. I could do what I wanted. WHATEVER I WANTED. Without hearing anyone complain. No one telling me what to do. No one belittling me. No one abusing me. I was free!
Besides, you don't have to be totally alone. Start making friends. Rekindle old friendships. You may think you lost some friends when your abuser isolated you. You may be wrong. Connect with them, and explain that you were in an abusive relationship and unable to communicate. Most likely, they'll understand and be your friend again. There are many places you can find friends - in church, in social and support groups, and online! Meetup.com is a good place to meet people with like interests. Not to mention the ever-popular Myspace. I would avoid bars. They are littered with abusers.
You can have such an active social life that you don't even have time to date! And you may find that you are happier since you decided to wait!
Don't jump into a relationship immediately after you leave your abuser. During that time, you're under extreme duress, you're feeling desperate, and you're not thinking clearly. Your choice for a mate at this time may be poor. Instead, take your time so you can get your self-confidence back and learn about what qualities you want in a man.
It's easier to lose one loser, only to replace him with another. Many women do this. That's why it's so important that you wait. This way, it is easier to break the cycle. I know an older lady who has been in abusive relationships her entire life. It's really sad.
A big reason that many women jump from one abuser to the next is that they believe that they cannot make it on their own. Maybe they think they need a man for financial reasons, emotional reasons, or both. Abused women typically are conditioned by their abuser to feel dependent on him, and lack the confidence they need to live on their own. Often, they leave their abuser to move in with another man, who turns out to be an abuser as well. Or, they live independently for a short time, quickly latching on to another man, who is an abuser. The cycle continues.
If you think you need a man for financial security, you're wrong. In today's world, there are tons of opportunities for women. Even if you think you have no skills, you can find a job. Consider the following:
Waitressing
Care giving
Day Care
Retail Store Clerk
Librarian Assistant
Cafeteria Worker
Sales
Customer Service Rep
Work From Home (contact me for more info)
For a higher paying job, you can always go back to school and get a degree or a certificate. There are so many careers to choose from, I can't even begin to list them! There are schools all over the country offering convenient class hours and decent tuition rates, and many of them are online.
Having your own career will help you feel better about yourself and it will keep you from falling in the trap of needing a man for the money. If you are making your own money and living well, then when you do decide to date, it will be for the right reasons - to share your life with someone you love, not to find someone to pay your bills for you. Your head will be clear, and you will make better, more thought-out decisions about whom to date. You will choose a mate for his character traits, not his bank balance. You'll also find it easier to ditch a guy who begins to show abusive characteristics, regardless of his income. Most of all, you won't feel like you NEED a man, so you won't take any crap! Perhaps the biggest reason women tolerate too much crap is because they think they need a man.
If you haven't left your abuser yet, please make a plan to do so that does not involve another man. When you leave your abuser, your goal should be to become independent, not to continue dependency on another man. If you don't have enough money to move out, then get a job. If he won't let you, then move in with friends or family. If you have nowhere to go, there are battered women shelters in just about every community across the U.S. You can live in a shelter temporarily and be safe from your abuser while you get on your feet.
Some women really can't stand being alone. They feel like they have to be in a relationship, even if it's a bad one. Society puts pressure on women to be in relationships as well. There seems to be this stigma about being single. I sensed it when I was single. Even so, my single times were some of the happiest times of my life. I could do what I wanted. WHATEVER I WANTED. Without hearing anyone complain. No one telling me what to do. No one belittling me. No one abusing me. I was free!
Besides, you don't have to be totally alone. Start making friends. Rekindle old friendships. You may think you lost some friends when your abuser isolated you. You may be wrong. Connect with them, and explain that you were in an abusive relationship and unable to communicate. Most likely, they'll understand and be your friend again. There are many places you can find friends - in church, in social and support groups, and online! Meetup.com is a good place to meet people with like interests. Not to mention the ever-popular Myspace. I would avoid bars. They are littered with abusers.
You can have such an active social life that you don't even have time to date! And you may find that you are happier since you decided to wait!
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